plainjane

A mourning person

teressia — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 04:37:24 +0000

I realized several years ago that I am actually more comfortable being unhappy than I am being happy. Being unhappy is who I am; it’s what I do. I know how to be unhappy. It works for me.

So, I drag out these mourning periods I go through when a relationship—either real or imagined—ends. I kind of enjoy the mourning period because I know how to do it right. I know how to go over and over every detail in my head, and I know how to have all the imaginary conversations in my head of what I would say if I really had the guts and the opportunity. I know how to pick myself apart until I figure out the exact reason it didn’t work and the exact things that were wrong with me. Sometimes I decide the flaws were his, but I don’t shy away from admitting when I am the problem.

The mourning feels like home to me. I’m comfortable there and I know the routine. And really, I think each of these times have made me know myself better than I did before. Of course, right? Anyway, I guess I’m actually about as happy as I’m ever going to get.

The Player

teressia — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 03:53:31 +0000

The guy is nothing if not predictable. I was not all that surprised to get an e-mail from him a couple of weekends ago. He sent it late Saturday night, so I’m not sure if it was a semi-drunken kind of thing or guilt but I’m sure it wasn’t because he genuinely missed me.

We volleyed a few e-mails back and forth and then this evening I saw him, but he ignored me because he was chatting up a blonde, single mom who is apparently hotter and more interesting than I am. So, even though he said, and I quote, “For what it’s worth, I miss our friendship” he is okay with walking right past me and not even saying hello?

I’m clearly not ready to be friends yet.

Untitled

teressia — Wed, 12 May 2010 05:07:55 +0000

I was thinking about how sometimes in relationships you have one perfect moment and then you spend the rest of the relationship trying to recapture it or believing that moment is your relationship.

It was a Saturday night. Late. The 50-degree weather felt like 70 because the winter had been so long and cold. The only light in the entire house was coming from the TV in his bedroom. The sound was turned all the way down and we laid on the bed whispering secrets. And then it was too late and I had to go home and the perfect moment was gone. And he kissed me goodnight and kissed that day goodbye.

As long as I live I will never have the right to complain about any relationship again because I have had more perfect moments than any person has a right to have. I had the perfect moment when someone said “I’m home,” the perfect moment when someone took my hand and held the screen door open for me, the perfect moment when someone said “Come on, let’s go dance,” the perfect moment when someone handed me a velveteen box with a promise in it. There have been more, even smaller, moments — more than I can easily remember.

Sometimes you spend an entire relationship trying to create one perfect moment you wish existed. I don’t think I’ll ever have to do that again. I’ve had my moments. I have nothing to complain about.

The tipping point

teressia — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 03:27:46 +0000

Big sigh. I told The Heartbreaker that I have feelings for him and it did not go well. I just couldn’t listen to him talk about the women in his life anymore. It was way too hard and got to the point where it was impossible to hide my feelings anymore. It was the tipping point and no matter which way things went they would never be the same.

Apparently he was completely clueless about how I felt, which I kind of don’t understand. I guess I was better at hiding it than I thought.

I’m not surprised at his reaction. It was pretty much what I expected.

Unfortunately I am not mature enough to really be friends with him right now. I miss our friendship; I miss hearing from him and hanging out but at least there is nothing left to hide. And not being part of each other’s lives anymore kind of makes it easier to accept the end. Maybe that just means my feelings for him weren’t really real — maybe it was just a proximity thing.

Either way, I’d never be good enough for him. If I were on fire from head to toe I would still not be “hot” enough for him. He likes the Barbie girls and I am just a plain Jane.

And, so it goes…

Sign of the times

teressia — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 03:02:12 +0000

I have a dinner date with Another New Guy tomorrow night. I could not have been more surprised when he asked me out. I did not see it coming at all because I really don’t know him at all. Which is why I have to wonder if it’s a sign — a sign that it’s time to give up on a hopeless situation.

I am not the kind of girl who gets asked out often. In fact, I very rarely get asked out. Before the New Guy asked me out in February, I had not been on a “real” date in two years (maybe three, actually — it’s been so long I honestly can’t remember). Confessing this brings to light my status as a loser, but there is a point. The point is, I am a girl who is almost always invisible to sober men and men under 65 years old. Yet in the last 5 weeks I have been asked out by two different men. Hmmmm. I think God is trying to tell me there are lots of other men in the world besides the Heartbreaker and to get away from him.

The last date didn’t go anywhere, and this one might not go anywhere, either, but at least they are a nice reminder that there are men in the world who have enough respect for me to want to spend at least a couple of hours with me in public and who want to invest some time in getting to know me.

Or, maybe it’s not a sign at all. What in hell do I know?

Labels and love

teressia — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 23:28:56 +0000

Like it or not we all wear labels, and I’m not talking about the designer clothing labels Carrie Bradshaw talks about. Single, married, man, woman, mom, dad, winner, loser. I’m very aware of my labels lately. Married people like to hang out with other married people, parents like to hang out with other parents, single moms can’t hang out unless their kids have something going on and even then they have to check their phones regularly for updates. You know who hangs out with single, childless people? Our dogs and cats. Did you know 85 percent of single people have pets and of that 85 percent, 63 percent have more than one pet? Okay, I just completely made that up. Making statistics up really is easy.

The point is, this single and free girl has become single and always free lately. It’s good, though, because I’m going back to basics. I am relearning what it’s like to rely on myself and to appreciate the people in my life. I used to hate the “single” label. Then I loved it because I learned to have fun with it. I’m kind of hating it lately but I still think there is a lot to love about it, so I’m going to spend my free time relearning to love my label,

The other point is that the only constant in life is change. People change, situations change, seasons change.

It’s spring — a time for new beginnings. And so begins the next season of my life. Here’s hoping something good grows!

Fiction becomes reality

teressia — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 23:27:30 +0000

The Heartbreaker and I have probably never been better friends than we are now. Very casual friends — but real friends, I think. I think. And the crazy thing about it is that I have probably never been better with where we are. I am back to being really happy with my alone time and I don’t ever think “Man, I wish we could hang out more.” I sometimes actually think, “Man, I hope he doesn’t want to hang out this week. I have a lot going on and I know I’m going to be to tired.” Dude, have a become a guy? Or I am just really, actually, truly okay with being just friends?

I think I am really, truly, actually okay with being just friends. I am back to my weird singleness and thinking any kind of relationship would smother me to death. Maybe it’s because it’s almost summer and the promise of warm weather makes me crave freedom and fear being tied down to someone else’s plans and schedule.

Maybe it’s because I have spotted some flaws. Nothing serious, I just don’t look at him and see a guy on a pedestal anymore; I just see a guy. Don’t get me wrong; I still think he’s a great guy, but I now I see he’s a real guy who can’t solve all my life problems. Duh.

More likely it’s that he has kind of told me he expects to hurt my feelings at some point. He actually said he is afraid that if he “gets a girlfriend” I’ll get hurt. Gotta love that he tells the truth, but there is nothing like that kind of truth to throw a bucket of ice water on any torch that may still be burning.

The cool thing here is that I am not longer a liar for saying I’m okay with being just friends. When the New Guy said he would like to hang out “even just as friends” but didn’t answer my texts and e-mails so I knew he was lying, I was mad at being fibbed to. Which made me think about how the Heartbreaker would feel if he found out I was lying about being okay with being just friends. Luckily, being just friends is no longer a fib, so I don’t have to worry he’ll feel fibbed to and mad at me. Yay!

10 things I hate about him

teressia — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 23:25:54 +0000

1. I hate that he will never see me when it’s my idea; he only wants to see me when it’s his idea.

2. I hate that he will never see me when it’s my idea; he only wants to see me when it’s his idea.

3. I hate that he will never see me when it’s my idea; he only wants to see me when it’s his idea.

4. I hate that he will never see me when it’s my idea; he only wants to see me when it’s his idea.

5. I hate that he will never see me when it’s my idea; he only wants to see me when it’s his idea.

6. I hate that he will never see me when it’s my idea; he only wants to see me when it’s his idea.

7. I hate that he will never see me when it’s my idea; he only wants to see me when it’s his idea.

8. I hate that he will never see me when it’s my idea; he only wants to see me when it’s his idea.

9. I hate that he will never see me when it’s my idea; he only wants to see me when it’s his idea.

10. I hate that he will never see me when it’s my idea; he only wants to see me when it’s his idea.

How to lose a girl in one date

teressia — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 23:24:14 +0000

The date with the new guy has come and gone. He did everything right, technically. If I had been into him, the date would’ve been a great one. But I didn’t know him very well so it was a little too much, too soon, for me.

I spent a few hours analyzing the breakdown after I got home. I decided there are two ways to approach a date, and he and I took opposite approaches. One approach is to go into the date thinking “Hey, I don’t know this person very well, but I’ll invest a few hours and see what happens.” The other approach is “I like this person. I’m going to go to dinner with him or her and have a boyfriend or girlfriend at the end of the night.”

It was apparent during the date that he had been thinking about this date since way before he asked me out. It was apparent because he was able to recall details from every time we’d seen each other — details I had never noticed or even thought twice about. Awkward.

The part I hate most about dating is when you don’t feel a connection to someone (the grown-up way of saying you just don’t “like” them the way they “like” you) and you have to break that to them. It was a debacle in this case! Long story short, he is apparently no longer speaking to me. Which kind of pisses me off because he said a few times he would like to spend time together as friends even if we didn’t go on another actual date. Obviously, he was just saying that to see if would see him again. Of course, I couldn’t legitimately be too pissed because I had said the same thing to The Heartbreaker.

Dating sucks. I am over it.

It’s complicated

teressia — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 23:16:51 +0000

The Heartbreaker and I have fallen into a fairly comfortable and predictable pattern. We hang out once or maybe twice a week, no strings attached. I’ve been having a hard time trying to decide if I really am okay with it, or if I’m in denial, or if more heartbreak is inevitable.

Technically, we’re just friends. Things still get confusing, of course, because he’s a guy and I’m a girl and we both know I’ve had feelings for him before, so it gets complicated.

To further complicate things, there is now someone else almost in the picture. I’m not sure how I feel about it. This New Guy came out of nowhere and he’s already willing to see me on a weekend night — in public. He says nice things and seems to be eager to get to know me better.

So, why do I still think about the Heartbreaker all the time? And am I supposed to tell him about this? I don’t know the protocol in a situation where I have lied to my friend about being content with being just friends. And since I feel like I get mixed signals from him I don’t know if he will be okay with it or if he will stop talking to me.

I am trying to be open-minded about this upcoming date, but I can’t get the Heartbreaker off my mind. How can you explain why the guy who does and says everything right doesn’t even give you butterflies, but you would drop everything at anytime of the day to spend 10 minutes with the guy who rarely does or says anything right and puts you last in his life?

I’m going to try to give the New Guy a fair chance, but it’s going to be tough. I feel like a liar and a jerk because realistically, two people are probably going to get hurt here. The New Guy could get hurt because I’m not being completely honest with him, and I’m going to get hurt when the Heartbreaker doesn’t care that I spend time with someone else.